What has this crisis revealed about who I really am?

There is NOTHING but time right now.

Time to think.

Time to not think.

When everything started to shut down and various agencies and government officials had all different kinds of dates they were throwing out, it felt surreal. The licensing board shut down all massage therapy until April 30th and at the time the Governor of Colorado was calling for closure until April 11th. The Mayor of Denver said April 30th. The county I live in had not said anything yet. The Federal Government was asking us to stay-in-place until April 10th. It felt chaotic, right? Who is in charge? What is happening? Why are there shortages of all this medical equipment? It is really this bad? Why are we comparing ourselves to Italy? Nothing was making any sense.

I know I’m not alone in all the questions. I personally watched too much TV in those first weeks. I was scouring media sites and trying to make sense of what various news feeds were saying, or not saying. My son, who is graduating from Med school seemed to be overly concerned because, “mom, you are older and have lung disease.” “What? Old?” “And, I have a controlled mild asthma, not lung disease.” But, yes, asthma is consider a lung disease. Ugh! At 55, I’m not thinking of myself in the ‘older’ generation, yet. At the time, early on, they were saying it was mostly effecting the older folks and then slowly younger and healthier individuals were falling prey to the virus. Sobbering stats and so many missed messages. Early on, you don’t need to wear a mask and donate any that you have to medical personnel, (even if the opened box now will never be used as it may be contaminated). To now being told you better wear a mask even in our own backyard, while outside. What? It is hard to sort out facts from down right fear.

Fear seems to be the overriding theme in the public square. The Next-door has blown up with people Tattling on neighbors when, “didn’t you see a bunch of kids playing in the park?”, “I can’t believe people are walking their dogs without masks on!”, to a story about an older woman at a hospital who was punched (yes, punched) by a younger woman in the hospital, “because she was walking to close to me”. The older woman died later because she fell and hit her head open due to the punch. INSANE FEAR is bubbling everywhere.

I have heard from friends —

• They will never again hold hands to pray
• They may not go to church in a building again
• They may never again go to a concert, sporting event or big public gathering
• They may never again let their children back in school

All of this from believers. People who have the Holy Spirit living inside of them and whom God has told, do not be afraid.

So, what is being revealed to me, about me through all of this time of quarantine? First up, I am judgmental. YUCK! I am. I am judgmental about how different people are handling this crisis. I don’t mean to be or want to be, but the ugly truth is – I am. Things that have been fearful or producing a BIG PAUSE in me, don’t produce the same things in others.

Second, I have to acknowledge that what I do for a living is very different than others. I am a massage therapist/body-worker, how ever you want to define my work —- I TOUCH BODIES for a living. Germs, I don’t think about daily because for more than 15 years I touch people and I have washed so thoroughly for years I don’t think twice about it anymore. (Or atleast, not until COVID19 hit the scene. I have ALWAYS been super stringent in how I take care of my room and wiping down surfaces when clients come and go. I have had clients who come for massage, sniffling and coughing as they are “getting over” something. So, I have learned through the years, I put on a mask, if ever in doubt and access if it is contraindicated to see a client. In all my years, I have only turned one person away when they arrived and it was because they clearly were running a fever. I do now wonder what additional steps I will need to implement in the future of a disease that you may not know is present for up to 14 days?

The third thing I have learned about myself, rest, being still and having no schedule is HARD. The closest I have come to this type of PAUSE, is following my back surgery in 2014. I had a two-segment fusion in my lumbar spine after years of debilitating pain. Thankfully, surgery corrected the pain immediately but it was three months of recovery which put life on hold, except for rehab. I look back through my journals and honestly, it was a sweet time of stillness. To enjoy simple things – a walk around the block, a visit from a friend, a meal prepared for us, a book I had waited to many years to read. Learning what my body was capable of doing following a major disruption/trauma. So, why does this pause seem so different?

This feels different on so many levels, the first of which is that this PAUSE —- it global! The whole world is on PAUSE (TIME OUT). Never, in the history of the world have we experienced something all together (and knew about it). This PAUSE has an invitation attached to it for believers and non-believers alike, and it is an invitation to search your own soul, mind, body and spirit and re-assess what is truly important, revealing and worthy of keeping in our lives on the other side of this present disruption.

What is being revealed in you through this experience? What do you want to keep? What do you want to shed? What are your ugly parts saying to you? What is the beauty in you that can be shined up brighter for the world to see?